Anatomy of a change
Exactly a year ago today, I changed something about myself that had been part of my life for ten years.
What that "thing" is won’t be mentioned here, so as not to take the subject out of context, but I can tell you a few things about it. Because it had persisted for a decade, it had become more than a habit, it was an identity marker. Whether people knew me well or not, they could easily list "being that thing" or "having that thing" among my traits. Among my friends, family, and relatives, there were many who were deeply attached to this version of me. It felt as if their entire connection to me depended on my possession of that thing.
I started thinking about changing this thing a long time ago. About 4 or 5 years ago. In other words, half the time I spent having that thing was spent imagining letting it go. Throughout that entire period, I believed it was absolutely impossible for me to change it. Knowing I couldn't change it and continuing to live that way only brought me pain. Though I tried to ignore it most of the time, it was with me at almost every moment of my life, and the discomfort it created caused me to shy away from many possibilities in life. Many.
One day, I was crying like a regular tuesday night, I decided to change it.
And I changed it right then and there. I went for a brisk walk, and by the time I came home, I was someone who had changed that thing.
It was over.
Now, the next step was for everyone around me to find out that I had changed it. Because until everyone knew, I wouldn't be fully changed.
As I said at the beginning, there were people among my loved ones who were truly attached to me being "that thing"; even though my changing it had no direct impact on their lives, and even though it was entirely, solely, and only about me.
There were people who had nervous breakdowns, people who cut off contact with me, people who were shocked, people who were overjoyed, and people who made no comment at all. This process gave me a lot to think about how people become attached to versions of us that they find convenient for themselves. I went to therapy for a while to decide if I should keep the change and how to do so.
The discomfort of the change was so intense that I began to wonder if it would be worth it. It took several therapy sessions to figure out if I actually wanted to change the thing about myself. It felt as though the happiness this change would bring would never outweigh the discomfort it caused. I was very close to giving up.
But whatever happened, I somehow endured. I am not exactly sure how that one year passed, but I'm glad I didn't back off. The people who matter most to me accepted this change. Our communication returned to normal in a few months.
As for me, I often find myself sighing. Even though everything looks normal, I am still living with the inner ache of that change. I believe part of me, no matter how much I wanted the change, was somehow connected to that thing. Probably because it was an identity, a habit, something I lived with for 10 years. It is hard to let go such a thing. I have some people I cut out of my life so that they will never find out about the change and I will never have to put on an explanation. I am 26 years old, and I believe this is the first time I choose my own way of life even if it conflicts with everyone else's opinions about it.
It took me five years to decide on a change. It took a single night to take action. And struggling with the discomfort of that change has taken about a year. About six months ago, I began to feel the sting of regret for not finding the courage sooner. Still the change reminds me of its presence from time to time, bringing back that familiar uneased state of mind, and I don’t know how much longer that will last.
Yet, the moment I actually started to enjoy the change was the very next morning after that walk. When I thought beyond everything else and realized I had finally achieved something I’d spent years doubting and deeming impossible.. that excitement was priceless.
I don’t know how much time must pass before the transition is complete and the act of changing finally leaves my daily thoughts. But in a way, I don’t want it to. Making this change was one of the most significant decisions of my life. Even with all the discomfort and the struggle, I wouldn't trade the excitement and fulfillment it brought me for a smoother, easier path.
Thanks for reading. If you have any feedback or would like to discuss further, I would be happy to hear from you.